Claire started kindergarten this year and as many other moms,I was worried sick. We looked for a school for 3 years,went back and forth,and did not finally decide until this July. Claire ended up attending Brookfield School that meets at the synagogue down the street. Our major concern was that it is a full day kindergarten (M-Th,9-3,F 9-1). But after comparing the options and including drive time,it really wouldn’t be any longer a day for her. Also,the later start time is very helpful,since Claire did not usually wake up before 8:00 am. Anyway to make a short story long,Claire loved her first week of school and her favorite subject is French. I was very relieved and then…the second week of school came and the meltdowns began. At first it was just constant bickering with her brother,especially on the way home and until I could get them settled down with a video and snack. “He’s looking at me! He made a mean face at me! He is on my side!”and on and on and on…I have been revising our schedule ever since she started kindergarten,trying to find the right balance of stimulation and ways to keep them occupied and not fighting. But by the end of the second week,she could not make it to the car without fighting,crying,or melting down,and Ross would follow shortly thereafter. During the third week,the entire day after school seemed to go from fighting to crying to rolling around uncontrollably on the floor to covering her ears and closing her eyes and screaming anytime I tried to talk to her. This was NOT working! I had already scheduled a few appointments with Heidi Lockett (OT) for October before school started. I figured there would be an adjustment,but this was more then I expected. This was like going back 2 years in time and I could not handle it. Claire was simply overloaded after school and could not seem to handle any more interactions. She just wanted time alone with mommy to cuddle (no talking),but I could not just tell Ross “to go away and leave us alone”,as Claire suggested. Here is how I described Claire’s reactions to Heidi:
- Increase in meltdowns = immobile crying,whining,screaming,without reasonable or foreseeable cause
- Extremely Sensitive
- Perfectionism is becoming debilitating
- Ross’ behavior is also increasing in all the same areas,as a reaction to the increased tension in the house
Heidi suggested we do another sensory servey and evaluation. She also gave me one for her teacher to fill out. In the mean time,she suggested I try giving them chewing gum to get home without any meltdowns. I let Claire and Ross know that if they made it to the car without fighting,then they could have a piece of gum. They have never had gum before,so it was quite the incentive. Chewing gum provides deep pressure (which is relaxing and calming) and it also keeps their mouths occupied. We have tried it the last two days with great results! Since I did not want a lot of artificial dyes and sweeteners,I picked up some Glee Gum at Wholefoods. I also find that the natural gums are a little tougher and therefore better for this deep pressure exercise.
This week was parent teacher conferences for Claire’s class. I was anxious to see what the teacher has to say because all I get is:“I like French and I don’t like PE.”Claire seems to be doing great and socializing more than I would have ever dreamed. She is obviously very happy with her class and loves her teacher Mrs. Moorehead. I have to give Mrs. Moorehead a plug. She is amazing with children and I do not think Claire would have survived kindergarten anywhere else. Mrs. Mertel is the full time teacher assistant (also an accredited teacher) and also lovely with all the children. So after Mrs. Moorehead told me how great Claire is doing,I told her a little about our past and present struggles with Claire’s SPD. Mrs. Moorehead suggested that she could walk Claire down to the an area where I can pick up Claire and not get Ross out of the car. That way we can avoid the chaos of trying to get Claire,Ross,myself,the lunch box,and backpack meneuvered through all the kids getting out of classes (Claire’s classroom is at the opposite end of the school from the parking lot). I thought this was a great idea,but did not know if Claire would respond positively to my suggesting it. I might be viewed as breaking the rules. (Claire has such a rebellious mom,you know. It’s a full time job for her to keep me in line). So…Mrs. Moorehead talked to Claire and we tried it today. It worked really well. Claire also was very open to her about how she is feeling after school. Here is a little except from Mrs. Moorehead’s email to me. I don’t think she will mind and it describes it so well:
I told her that she was doing a great job at school and that I was delighted to have her in class,but that I was a little worried because I also want her time at home to be
fun and relaxing too.
She said that sometimes she gets home and needs to be alone and her little brother is right there. She said she gets “whiny and screamy”,and we talked about whether or not she wants that to keep going. She did not.
She was very open to the idea of you picking her up at the circle instead of in front of the classroom. The concept of her brother staying strapped in the car appealed to her a lot.
She also said that she is hungry at the end of the day and that there is nothing in her lunch box she wants to eat. I asked her what she would want to eat and she said “bread”. She said that she really likes plain bread with the crusts cut off. I told her I would mention it to you,in case you want to try maybe having a few pieces of plain bread (crusts off…) in the car at the end of the day. She said usually you do not allow eating in the car,but I told her that I would let you know her request,and maybe with something as easy to clean as bread,you might make an exception. When I said that her brother would probably want the same,she offered to share her bread with him.
We lastly talked about her need for time alone at the end of the day. She suggested maybe her brother could be put in the basement so that she could be in their room for awhile alone,but I suggested that you (mom) might not want him all the way down there if you were busy upstairs. She said that a little while (maybe 15 or 20 min) alone would help her stop”whining”. I told her I would tell you,and maybe something could be worked out where her brother could be in the living room for awhile while she had her “quiet time”.
Well,I brought the bread today,but she chose the gum instead and the bread when we got home. As for quiet time…I knew this would be tricky,because she doesn’t want to be alone. She wants to be alone with me. So I asked her this morning before school if she would like quiet time after school and she nearly bit my head off. I asked her why she was angry with me and she said she already told Mrs. Moorehead that. I told her that I needed to understand also. That she will need to tell me wants she wants. She said she would like alone time when she got home,but I was still hesitant. When we first got home,they found a hornworm in the tomatoes before I could get everything out of the car,so there was no leaving that hornworm until it was safely in a cage (a story for another time perhaps). After the hornworm was secure I whispered if she wanted alone time (she likes whispering). She said yes and I took the opportunity to undress her and brush her really well. (We have re-instated the brushing technique. For more information see previous Blogs on SPD.) I asked her how long she wanted to be alone and she said 5 minutes,but would not let me leave the room. I told her I had to check on Ross and come back. Before I could get back to her,she came out and said she wanted to play with Ross. So I let her. I am happy to say,so far tonight no meltdowns!
I have had many teachers,doctors,therapists,and books tell me this is normal like that is supposed to be a comfort. I don’t know if it’s just me,but that’s not a comfort. I don’t want my daughter’s stress level to be this intense even if it is normal! I don’t want her feeling miserable for the only time I get to see her in the day. I don’t want her brother’s only interactions with her to be fighting. Because I’ve seen normal,and I don’t need it. Claire,Ross,Mark and I need something better than normal. We will survive no matter what this world throws at us,but I want my children to thrive! We are still working on adjusting the schedule for the evening and probably will never be done. But with the brushing,gum,optional alone time and a lot of prayer,we are doing better this week. Bottom line I think is that we (parents) can not do it alone and need help from many different sources (teachers,counselors,friends). Our children are constantly changing and their environment is constantly changing which creates a baseline of uncertainty. As a parent,I view my job is to try and provide as much certainty,consistency,and stability as possible without forcing it. It is a tight rope of which I fall off often,but I have to just keep getting back on. I’ll keep you posted.
Kate
